How to Train Your Parents

Today I have a very special treat for all you folks out there whose wayward parentals have been acting up. (I know mine have.) Recently I was at a Baby & Toddler Networking Conference (I know, I get around) and met the most amazing person. Her name is Ellie and she is author of the book, The Parent Training Manual. Believe it or not, I was lucky enough to get her to join us today and give us some of her genius tips on how to train our parents. So without further ado, I present to you my very favorite Parent Whisperer: ELLIE!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

I’m Ellie, 4 years old and professional Parent Trainer to the stars. Fours years ago I was an ignorant baby, just like you.  But then I came across a secret so simple that I couldn’t believe no-one had figured it out before.  Today I will share some of my Parent Training secrets from my book, The Parent Training Manual, so that you can begin to take your lives back and have things working the right way, with the baby in control.

Step 1.  There is no breaking them in gently, once parents have started to believe they are in control there is only one thing to do.  Make a mess. The bigger and more food and electronic equipment involved, the better.

Step 2. Just say no.  No matter what their request, simply shake your head and say no. Remember to keep calm, tantrums come later, just grin and say ‘no’ every time they ask you to do something.

Step 3.  Don’t give in to threats.  This can be the trickiest part, they are so desperate with their clearly transparent threats that it’s hard not to feel sorry for them, but this will result in spoilt parents that expect their demands met around the clock.  Each time they threaten you with something resist all temptations to follow orders and simply laugh at them. 

Step 4.  The tantrum.  It’s tiring, I know, but it’s worth it in the end.  If your parents have still not learnt their place and insist on picking you up to put you to bed, or forcibly remove what you were playing with, you must break into a tantrum.  These work especially well when you are in public.  Full on screaming, shouting, kicking, biting, and if necessary, holding your breath until you pass out.  Remember, it’s for their own good.

Step 5.  Sleep.  This is a key stage and can not be missed out in these initial weeks.  After tantrum, sleep. As much as you can possibly cram into a day. This will give you the energy you need for the 6th and final stage of this attack.

Step 6.  Insomnia.  Under no circumstances must your parents be allowed to get more than 2 hours sleep in a row. It may seem cruel, but believe me, I have seen many a good parent ruined by being allowed too much sleep.

Repeat steps 1 through 6 for a minimum of 6 days and I can guarantee you will start to see results.  Before you know it your parents will be letting you get away with anything in the hope that you will at least stay quiet enough for them to mess around on the internet and cat nap on the sofa.

 **Ellie is the precocious child of Heather from NotefromLapland, who is probably taking this break to cat nap on the sofa, or, more likely, mess around on the internet.